Steven's encouragement for his future wife

"You could never get large enough for me to stop loving you." - Steven Puente

Cory's Relationship Prospects

--Another conversation with Cory on why he should dance--
Allen: Someday you're going to want to be interesting to a girl, and you'll want to be able to dance.
Cory: No, if she's so shallow that that would affect her opinion of me...
Allen: Cory, I... hey, remember the matrices, with the 1's in both spots? That's why.
Cory: --thinks for a moment-- Hmm.. that's a good point.

-----------------

Chrissy: But Cory wouldn't do anything! (meaning, ask a girl he likes out)
Dan: Their relationship is going to be God-centered. Which means it'll need some Divine Intervention!

---------------- (Edit:)

Allen: This is basically a blog about Cory.
Chrissy: I feel like all blogs should be about Cory.

Really Really

Katie: I don't get what the deal with that word is! People tack "ass" onto everything. It means "really really"!

Katie's Bad Side

Allen: Hola, como estas?
Katie: --looks up from statistics-- Muy mal. En dos horas, muy bien. Right now I actually want to strangle everything.

Patanga

From Trace Bundy's Adapt DVD:

I'm gonna play a song called Patanga. Now Patanga, as most of you guys probably know, is an old word used by Texas ranchers back in the 1800's, where it's used to describe when one's... when one overstimultes one's aura so much that it ends up causing the etheric oscillations to collapse into an astral vortex, thus.. sucking all of your energy reserves into a negative state of ionic submatter. Yeah, it's a really big bummer for the ranchers. --starts to play, then stops--

Last time I played this song with my previous percussionist.. the reason he's not here is he actually collapsed into a negative state of ionic submatter. Just fell into this little thing... I still keep it, I have it in my pocket. It was a sad night. Anyway, here's Patanga.

Going somewhere?

Beth walks into our room to hand me her South Africa prayer letter. She's in a dress.

Dan: Going somewhere?
Beth: Yeah.. South Africa.
Dan: --confused look--
Allen: --understanding the confusion-- well she has to wear something nice to travel in!
Beth: Oh! Not now!

Corian Nomenclature

Cory: I think we need a radical renaming of everything!

Are we listening?

Dan: Jen, you always look better than average.
Beth: Jen, you make sweats look glamorous.
Dan: Sweats? Really?
Beth: Yeah...
Dan: Thank you.
Beth: No! I mean Jen!
Dan: Oh... Allen, didn't you hear "Dan"?

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Dining hall plans are more expensive because people steal, and people steal more because it's expensive.
Beth: It's a vicious cycle.
Allen: Yeah, but it's not an exponential feedback system, it's more digressive.. or regressive.. I mean there's got to be some sort of equilibrium point, you know?
Jen: Allen, do you actually think I'm listening to you?

Cory is an Alcoholic

Alice: Okay, I've got it. There are two alcoholics and they make a pact to stay alcoholics. Then one goes to an AA meeting, but the other doesn't. That's it. *leaves*

--a few moments pass--
Grace: Does this have anything to do with James Chu dancing?

Darnit, Nautical!

Cory: I heard it from the.... well, I don't like that phrase, the horse's mouth.
Dan: How about the horse's..... naval.
Cory: Wait, do horses have navals?
-laughter-
Dan: Well, they're mammals, so yeah.
Cory: I don't know.
Dan: Maybe only in former British Colonies, Cory!
Cory: Hmm... they are very naval. Darnit, nautical!

Taiko - Japanese for Testosterone

Dan: Yeah, Taiko is awesome! After one of their concerts I feel like just going out and punching a dog in the face!

------------

Beth, a minute after being repulsed by Dan's comment: And then, some dogs are made to be drop-kicked. You've got your 50-yard dogs, and your 75-yard dogs...

Cory and Women

Hannah: So, do any guys actually like Pride and Prejudice, or is it just tolerable?
Eric: Josiah likes it.
Cory: Yeah, but that's okay! He's from Kenya. If you're from a fomer British colony you can like it!
[laughter]
Allen: Like the United States??

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Eric (to Cory): We should have a bet, who can get a girlfriend first, you or my brother.
Cory: What?!? Your brother could have fifty girlfriends if he wanted to! At the same time!

Cory es suave...or not

*Disclaimer: the dialogue that follows is only an approximation of the original, with estimated error at ~20% of full-scale (conversational) output.

(After discussing the assorted colors in Allie's eyes for a while)

Allie: Yeah, my eyes have some red, green, and yellow in them depending on how you look at them.
Cory: Wow, those are all the principal lightsaber colors, except blue! I guess you can't be a Jedi Guardian, but you’ve got everything else covered!
Allie: My eyes look like *lightsabers* ?!?!?!

Round 2:

Grace: Well people say my eyes look like denim jeans.
Cory: Wow, they totally do look like jeans…….....Ummm, I mean, nice jeans, not like work jeans or anything….

David Scudder For a Day

Grace: Who would you be for a day?
Allen and Dan: David Scudder!
Grace: Hah! I asked that question just to see how many people would say David Scudder.
Beth: I wouldn't want to know what goes on in his head.
Grace: Hmm... maybe I would want to know that...
Dan: I bet there are just a bunch of Bible verses floating around!

Not those jeans, the other ones!!!

Cory: My future wife's genes better all be dominant...

Lexie: Well, I guess I know who's gonna be wearing the pants in your family...

Cory: Ummm.....Oh I get it, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

(Say it out loud to yourself to get it)

Beth's important question

Scene: Dan, Allie, Rob, and Beth sitting on the futon. Rob and Dan sit with their legs apart, and Allie and Beth with legs crossed.

Beth: Dan, why do guys always sit like that?

Dan: ...Do you really want to know?

Beth: ...No.

Snakes Don't Have Ears

Allie: Oh, I need to go see if Jen is done with the necklace holder she was making me.
Dan: See if she's done with mine - she was making me some earrings.
Allie: You don't have ears! I mean!

Mothers Galore

At lunch recently...

Beth: Dan, I picked up your mother... book, and (continues)
--that was just enough pause for us all to form our thoughts.

Still about mothers..

Dan: Well, my mom didn't eat me when I was a teenager (looks around).. unless this is all my mom's large intestine.

Wrong Word to Forget

Me: es que no te gusta cometerte?
(So it's that you don't like to commit?)

Cory: no no no... solo no me gustan conversaciones.... awkward.
(No no no... I just don't like conversations that are... (fumbles) awkward).

Bob is...well...ummm...you know

*Warning to reader: This post is of entirely unwarranted length and may cause you to doubt the sanity of the author even more than you did before, if that is possible. Peruse at your own risk.

At first I reckoned I should begin the inaugural post like so: “Welcome one, welcome all to the überlong-awaited tertiary element in the set of all (known) quote blogs beginning with the phrase ‘Bob is.’” However, I then remembered the following warning given by C.S. Lewis: “Don't use words too big for the subject. Don't say ‘infinitely’ when you mean ‘very’: otherwise you'll have no word left when you want to talk about something really infinite.” As I’m 110% percent absolutely positive literally everyone who knows me can attest, I judiciously follow his advice at all times in my everyday discourse, and figured I should maintain the same rules of verbal propriety whilst (yay Anglicisms!) blogging. I firmly believe that the overuse of superlatives (even Germanic ones) is by far the most appalling testament one can possibly find to the utter slovenliness of modern language, and I cannot even begin to express the inestimably profound regret that would have invariably consumed me in my entirety had I in fact contributed to this horrific-to-the-nth-power-as-n→tragedy of epic elephantine proportions. Well…*awkward pause*… kind of I guess…maybe I could be wrong…actually now that I think about it I’m not so sure (haha :) ). Well anyhow, ummm...OK...yeah...cool. Did I mention I also hate rampant overuse of the ellipsis? Just look around the blog and you will agree.

I know what you’re thinking right about now, and yes my friend, you’ve guessed it: I am hopelessly awkward (and, to the high-brows among you, more than a little gauche). However, if you look deep inside, you too will find that there is a little awkward guy that wants to be an eighty-year-old gray-haired Puritan gangsta rapper inside all of us. This blog, along with its Pretty and Witty fellows, exists for those precious moments when that self bubbles past the surface of your dignified Stanfordite veneer (and you are unfortunate enough to be in our presence). It is a place where your embarrassing moments and misspeaks can finally be recorded in a public forum which everyone from David Scudder’s grandfather to a random guy in Botswana can see. Beware, all ye who are funny! Now that there are three blogs, you can be sure that somebody is definitely going to blog what you say...and it may not be pretty…or even witty.

Seeing as how I am out of lame jokes, and you, kind reader, are probably out of your wits (join the club!), I will leave you with a parting ditty...Bob’s so pretty, oh so pretty, so pretty and witty and …well…umm…you know how it ends. Cheerio chaps (and chapettes)!